Leaving, And A Dream

In the middle of a season of flashbacks and clarity, I once had a vivid dream.

  I was walking through a large old warehouse, filled with old boxes and broken furniture stacked all the way to the ceiling. It was at dusk, with just enough sunlight left to highlight the eerie looming shadows. A thick blanket of dust covered the ground, almost like a mist so thick I couldn’t see below my waist.

Barefoot and alone; I felt restless and trapped; I didn’t want to be there anymore. The sensation reminded me of how it felt to be a little girl in the field after dark. No shoes and terrified, knowing anything could happen between there and the house. I would begin to run as fast as possible, so as not to prolong the misery of the unknown.

It was completely silent in the warehouse. Not a single soul is around, although I could feel the presence of petrifying dread and veiled evil. I looked around expectantly, and took a cautious step forward. Almost simultaneously, a large snake in the distance poked it’s head up above the fog, then disappeared again. I shivered; where did it go? Is it slithering towards me beneath its cover of the floor? I stepped away. As I moved, another massive snake appeared much closer. I began to notice that the more I moved away, the more activated they became; popping up unexpectedly and then disappearing again so I can’t place them.

I remember thinking to myself, “If I knew where the snakes are, I would not be so terrified. If I knew how dangerous they were, I could choose how to protect myself.” They were just so silent and sly, invisible until they chose not to be. And with each step I accidentally stirred them up.

I wasn’t fearful of the snakes themselves; it was their trickery and sneakiness was absolutely traumatizing.

This dream depicted the mind control and betrayal of the pious prison once called protection. The selfish scheming once called the “Gospel”. The violent acts once called love. This depicted the way they turned on the one who made a move towards the door. The way they picked on the one who had the audacity to go against the flow.

I knew if I would stop looking for a way out, they would leave me alone. If I turned towards them, they would receive me. But if I turned away, I would instantly become prey. And if I were to get out, I would not leave without some venom in my body.

My therapist said, “let’s reframe it. Let’s imagine you reach out, grab a snake by the neck and realize it’s not venomous after all?” I couldn’t imagine it. Something inside screamed, “that’s the dang problem! They look kind and friendly, but they will kill your soul”.

After that session I realized why I couldn’t change the scenario in my mind; I had already been bitten and the poison had left me so weak and wounded. Over and over again; they had been so casual about it, I felt like it shouldn’t even hurt. In fact, I thought it was all on me. And in a dream, my subconscious was telling me what happened; just trying to find a way to make sense of it all.

I haven’t found a solution for someone to walk out of a cult-like system completely unscathed. Whether it’s a dysfunctional trauma bonded family, an abusive and rigid church, an all inclusive relationship, or a controlled work environment; when your decisions say “no more”, rejection will come. There are many ways this happens; some subtle and some direct. Many experience some form of bullying, stalking, harassment, belittlement, banishment, or defamation of character. It feels like an informal “shunning”, with no words or direct communication to actually clarify your experience.

There’s a tremendous force of healing that comes when you can face the truth your story already holds.

The mind will try to reason; “maybe they didn’t mean to. Maybe it’s just in my head.” Those statements wont protect you anymore. They may never give you clarity to understand their crafty ways. You will need to connect the dots with what their actions showed you and the effect it had on you. If they didn’t respect your personal autonomy, you will need to learn to protect it yourself. If they tried to break you, you will need to find safety to heal. And the fact that you have to do all these things will make it hurt even worse. As you bend low beneath the grief, you will discover your authentic self buried beneath all they wanted you to be. This part of who you always were is brilliant beyond words, and will advocate endlessly for your recovery and peace. This part of you deserves to be set free.

I didn’t choose the warehouse; I was born there. Eventually I knew it wasn’t good for me, but I didn’t know what would happen if I began my trek out. Unfortunately, none of us who find ourselves at the scene of the crime would ever choose it; much less know what will happen if we go. We just do what we must at the time, with a tiny seed of Hope tucked away in our defiantly beating hearts.

And that’s truly enough.

-Jessica